only you can see right through me
I’ve been floating around the past few months- disconnected from the universe around me. Depression has made it incredibly difficult to get out of bed; if I’m not at work I’m sleeping an upwards of 18 hours a day. I know I’m narcoleptic, but this is ridiculous! I have got to find a full-time job with benefits. I need to unpack all the boxes that hold the possessions of my life. I need to stop feeling like a nomad and settle into my new home and life. I need to establish stability, routine, permanence. Thank God for Allen, I don’t know where I would be without his love and support. Thank God for my friends. Life is just daunting to me at the moment; I am paralyzed by fear and uncertainty and not knowing where to begin. So i don’t. I just stare at all the obstacles and all that needs to be done and I can’t figure out where to start. This has ALWAYS been a problem for me. Everyone says I just need to start somewhere. Start with one thing. But I can’t just focus on the first thing; I see all of it at once and I get completely and utterly overwhelmed. And I’m scared. Scared of peoples motivations and intentions, of what I need to do, what is going to happen, what has already happened, the whole unknown factor, not having control. Of so many things.
i just need to start somewhere. I’m going to try to start writing every day or most every day. I know that writing helps me tremendously. Even if I’m not writing anything deep and profound, just the action of putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, helps. And I want to start trying to write professionally! That would be my dream job!
I’m thinking that maybe if I put my laundry list of tasks up here, publically for the world to see, it will somehow hold me accountable for actually getting it done. But I will need the help of my readers. I need you to please ask me if I’m doing them, encourage me when I don’t, congratulate me when I do, and kick me in the ass to stay on target. Think you can do that? I know it’s a lot to ask. But one of the things I’m trying to get through to my thick skull is that it’s ok to ask for help. I try to do everything on my own, and that is partly why I get stuck and become a weeping angel (Dr. Who reference there) being looked at.
So here is my list:
1. file for the petition for divorce.
2. unpack all the boxes.
3. put everything away where it belongs.
4. have a yard sale and declutter my life!
5. apply to websites for writing assignments.
6. apply for jobs.
7. exercise.
8. help clean up around the house more.
9. write everyday.
10. vacuum.
11. dust.
12. laundry.
13. floors.
14. organize.
15. windows.
16. paint.
17. decorate.
18. drink more water every single day.
19. pay bills.
20. do something productive every day.
21. do something creative every day.
I reserve the right to add and ammend this list at any time.
The Misadventures of Polyleigh 
That’s a long list… I can see why you’re overwhelmed. I really think you do have to pick just one of those items to focus on first. I’d be overwhelmed, too, looking at a list of over 20 items!
If it were me, I’d start with the writing. It got me through one of the hardest times of my life.