Frustrations and tears

Not in a good head space currently. Both of us dealing with depression. Both feel disconnected and discontent. Trying so hard to resolve, I hope we pull out if this hole soon. I think we both feel lost and alone.

Advertisements

Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) 2014 — June 6-8

I have once again signed up to be a presenter at Atlanta Poly Weekend. This year the theme is “Bringing Sexy Back,” and I am over the moon excited!!! I have so many ideas for classes that I would love to host. Please let me know if you would like to come. The tickets are an amazing rate, the rooms are awesome and not expensive, and you will have a fucking blast! I promise you!!! It’s at the Holiday Inn Perimeter Dunwoody; and until March 31st tickets are $50. If you are helping me out with a panel, I can get you tickets for $25…but I need to know ASAP if you want to help me with any of the following panels I may be doing.

 

So… without further ado…the classes I will be presenting! Squee!

THE ART OF MAKING OUT: this will begin with a discussion of what can be considered “making out.” Then the fun begins; learn hands on (participation is encouraged, not required) how to get your partner(s) in the mood. It’s not just about the scrompings people, it’s about the journey towards the big O! Touch, words, breath, etc. will be covered. This is sure to get you in the mood for a fantastic convention!

SEXY TIMES WITH DISABILITIES: When you have a disability having the energy to have sex with one partner is difficult enough. How do you manage multiple partners?! This open dialogue will delve into the world of how to make sure you and all of your partners feel the love. 

I’M A CHUBBY BUNNY AND I LOVE SEX!: Let’s talk about our bodies! Let’s explore what we like and don’t like about our bodies, and how to embrace whatever form we have and relish in it with ourselves and with our partner(s). This can either be an open discussion or a more hands on approach depending on the audience. 

HOW TO STRIPTEASE: Ever want to blow your partner away with a sexy lap dance but been too afraid/unsure of how to go about it? Learn how! I’m not an “expert,” which I think will make the class even more hysterical and real! How to pick music, work with the clothes and props you have, and how to be carefree about turning on your partner(s).

SEXTING: this was a request from a friend. Are you a newb to the world of sexting? Get tips from a pro! ME!!! How to get turned on and turn on through the digital world.

BRINGING KINK INTO THE BEDROOM (BDSM 101): Want to spice up your love life? Explore the fantastic world of kink! How to add sprinkles to your vanilla routine, or taste the full on rainbow baby! Demonstrations, implements to check out, and discussion. Huzzah! Everything from holding down your partner(s) hands to wax play and everything in between. 

I might also make another stand up comedy appearance at the talent show, which will include a lot of dirty words and naughty topics! Come and see me make a fool out of myself! Be entertained by my blushing!

I really am truly excited to share in this amazing event once again. I met some fantastically awesome people last year that have resulted in really great friendships. All people are accepted, and comfort and safe space is of upmost importance to me and to the committee. If you have any questions about it please feel free to either ask me, or visit APW’s website: http://www.atlantapolyweekend.com

Video: “sun gonna limme shine”

I just wanted to comment on the video. For the most part it shows how,unfortunately, a lot of children react to nonconformity. And while at first glance the end of the video seems to give a positive message-acceptance, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

You see, all the children ostracized the gender nonconformist while at school, but are then seen wearing dresses at the concert, dancing together and holding hands. To me this seems to be giving the wrong image. It seems as though they’re saying it’s not ok to break conformity at school, a very public and “normative” institution, but it is ok at something like a concert. As if to say, “there’s a time and a place for that.”

To me that’s not right.anyone who yearns to live our lives the way we want, even though we are seen as “abhorrent or outliers” within our communities, should be free to do so in all aspects of our lives; not just in the dark shadows of night or only in certain places (like concerts or conventions).

As long as we’re being a responsible person, fulfilling our duties as parents, coworker, spouse, whatever, then we are not hurting anyone.

Just yesterday I met a lovely married man that dresses as both a man and a woman. His wife lets him do so as long as it’s not in one of the states they live in. So part of the time he lives as a woman and the other half a man. They say this is the only way it makes their wife feel comfortable. It broke my heart to hear that, but if it works for them and their wife happy, then I have to be ok with that.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I can’t wait til the day where it’s not looked twice at except to say “what a pretty dress.”

life is life

this is what a migraine feels like

this is what a migraine feels like

I know I’ve talked a little bit before about my disabilities, but I really want to delve more into it. I believe it’s important to understand how disabilities, especially invisible ones, can affect one’s life, and those important to them.

Tonight I’m going to talk about Chronic Migraines.

I was diagnosed in 1998, but I’ve actually had them since childhood (we just didn’t know what they were). I have been up to six different medications at a time, to no avail. I’ve been on epileptic medication (Topamax and its counterpart), and it was the worst! It made me dumber than dirt. I’ve tried Elavil, amatryptaline, Zoloft (which I’m still on), Celebrex, imitrex (which I use both the pill and the shot), zomig (made them worse), beta blockers (didn’t work), and botox (which worked for six weeks, and since then the migraines have started coming back intermittently; though in the past few weeks it’s been daily). There have been other medications, but I can’t even remember them! These days I’m just on Zoloft and Imitrex; though sometimes I go through periods where I forget to take my daily med (Zoloft). This of course doesn’t help my situation any… I’m a dumbass I know.
The absolutely crappy part is that I have soooo many triggers!!! Hence the chronic part. Sunlight, heat, stress (which I suffer from quite frequently), lights, cars, alcohol, hormones, msg, neck/back pain, smells, smoke, weather, sleep deprivation, splenda, depression… and probably some other things that I can’t think of at the moment.

Most people don’t know what a migraine is like. Migraines are not headaches. And people who’ve never had one don’t particularly seem to understand how it affects us. All I want to do is cry and curl up and feel like I’m going to die. I wear this absolutely adorable patches on my head (think a big ol maxi pad stuck to your forehead..yeah…I’m hot!) If I’m lucky enough I have Alan pet on my head and stroke my hair- it helps calm the brainwaves. My migraines are debilitating. I get waves and waves of nausea with no relief (I can’t throw up to make them better). Light utterly kills me (and I work in retail with all those crazy bright lights…yuck). Motion hurts, and sound is one of the worst instigators of pain when I’m hit with a migraine. There are times that I also suffer from vertigo due to them.

Basically, all I can do when I have a full blown migraine attack is sleep in a dark cool room. Unfortunately I am often at work or out when I am hit with one; and in that instance, there’s not much I can do. I can only take medication to dull the pain, not fully stop it; because that medication completely knocks me on my ass and causes me to go sleepy sleep. And if I’m at work, or a function, or school, or what have you, then that’s not an option… so I have to just suffer through it. Thankfully I have an amazing store manager and assistant manager that let me take a much needed break to just sit and breathe for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t I just try really really hard to push through the pain and continue working. It’s hard as hell sometimes but the alternative is to be miserable and stay cooped up in my room for the rest of my life. And the hard truth is, is that’s what many of us have to do to survive with this… we have to cloister ourselves up in a dark room and just wait it out, miserable with pain and unable to do a fucking thing about it. Migraines can consume my life, and there are times when it does. I’ve had periods where I had a migraine for three months straight- every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And every day was a battle to exist. Working was pure hell, but most days I was able to somehow manage, and lots of days where I couldn’t.

I’ve thought about filing for disability, but I’ve been told that it is extremely difficult to get it for migraines. Even ER’s treat people with migraines as junkies- that the only reason why we go when we have a migraine is to get pain killers. For me this is not the case. I don’t want pain meds… I want the fucking migraine to go the hell away! Unfortunately many people believe like those in the ER, they believe that we use migraines as a crutch to get out things. And maybe some people do, but not me. Besides, it’s easy to tell when I have one because you can totally see it in my eyes. The pain in my eyes is always palpable.

I feel so sorry for poor Alan. Hell, I feel sorry for anyone that’s had to deal with me on a daily basis with this. It can really make a relationship difficult. It makes intimacy sporadic at times  . And my migraines wipe me out emotionally and physically. I end up sleeping a lot (which goes into another one of my disabilities: excessive daytime sleepiness, chronic fatigue, narcolepsy with cataplexy, and hypersomnia) and that totally kills the intimacy as well. Le sigh. He is so amazing and understanding and loving. I am so incredibly lucky to have him. I love that man more than I could ever verbalize. Just sayin…
So yeah.. migraines… it’s a major part of my life.

Disconnect and discontent

only you can see right through me

only you can see right through me

I’ve been floating around the past few months- disconnected from the universe around me. Depression has made it incredibly difficult to get out of bed; if I’m not at work I’m sleeping an upwards of 18 hours a day. I know I’m narcoleptic, but this is ridiculous! I have got to find a full-time job with benefits. I need to unpack all the boxes that hold the possessions of my life. I need to stop feeling like a nomad and settle into my new home and life. I need to establish stability, routine, permanence. Thank God for Allen, I don’t know where I would be without his love and support. Thank God for my friends. Life is just daunting to me at the moment; I am paralyzed by fear and uncertainty and not knowing where to begin. So i don’t. I just stare at all the obstacles and all that needs to be done and I can’t figure out where to start. This has ALWAYS been a problem for me. Everyone says I just need to start somewhere. Start with one thing. But I can’t just focus on the first thing; I see all of it at once and I get completely and utterly overwhelmed. And I’m scared. Scared of peoples motivations and intentions, of what I need to do, what is going to happen, what has already happened, the whole unknown factor, not having control. Of so many things.

i just need to start somewhere. I’m going to try to start writing every day or most every day. I know that writing helps me tremendously. Even if I’m not writing anything deep and profound, just the action of putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, helps. And I want to start trying to write professionally! That would be my dream job!

I’m thinking that maybe if I put my laundry list of tasks up here, publically for the world to see, it will somehow hold me accountable for actually getting it done. But I will need the help of my readers. I need you to please ask me if I’m doing them, encourage me when I don’t, congratulate me when I do, and kick me in the ass to stay on target. Think you can do that? I know it’s a lot to ask. But one of the things I’m trying to get through to my thick skull is that it’s ok to ask for help. I try to do everything on my own, and that is partly why I get stuck and become a weeping angel (Dr. Who reference there) being looked at.

So here is my list:
1. file for the petition for divorce.
2. unpack all the boxes.
3. put everything away where it belongs.
4. have a yard sale and declutter my life!
5. apply to websites for writing assignments.
6. apply for jobs.
7. exercise.
8. help clean up around the house more.
9. write everyday.
10. vacuum.
11. dust.
12. laundry.
13. floors.
14. organize.
15. windows.
16. paint.
17. decorate.
18. drink more water every single day.
19. pay bills.
20. do something productive every day.
21. do something creative every day.

I reserve the right to add and ammend this list at any time.

Cocoon

I have come to the realization that I’m in self-preservation mode. I feel like I am emotionally numb right now; because whenever I start to really feel something I start to cry or get furious or depressed, etc. As I said before physical intimacy has been difficult for me lately. I want to, but trying to get into the right frame of mind has been so hard. I feel so blah; and I know it is because I’m still kinda shell shocked. I think I’m terrified of being hurt even more than I already am. It seems like every fucking day I’m getting kicked in the gut.
I found out something yesterday that baffles me, doesn’t surprise me, pisses me off, and makes me very sad. And no, I’m not going into it. I’m having to be really really careful what I write on here with the impending divorce. so instead, I will be trying to write about other things.

———————————————————————————

I am trying really hard to stay sweet and happy and funny and bouncy regardless of how I’m feeling inside. I have very little energy right now, and there are moments where I want to be surly. We all have times in our lives where all we want to do is scream and cry and take out our frustrations on others- maybe to try to make yourself feel better, or to make others feel as awful as you do. In either case, when we encounter someone being ugly, just try to remember that they may be going through something that we can’t even imagine. Maybe the just found out horrible news, or just had a loss, or a million other things that affect us. When someone bites your head off, just smile and wish them a good day and tell them you hope things get better for them. Even if it doesn’t make them apologize, maybe your words will be a soothing balm to their soul.

Just be nice to each other. There is so many horrible things happening in the world right now. People need to stop beign so incredibly hateful and start trying to rebuild our community.

it’s hard to have sessy time when you’re sick :(

first tattoo I ever designed

first tattoo I ever designed

So allergy season is upon us, and it is wreaking havoc on my head. Migraines, sinus infections, laryngitis, bronchitis…. other itis’s. And not being able to breathe means not able to really kiss, or do other things… like having orgasms. This makes me a sad panda! I mean, if it’s a good orgasm I stop breathing anyways; but if I’m already short of breath and feeling generally yucky, it makes it kinda difficult to get into the sexy mindset. And this makes me uber sad- as well as makes Alan uber sad. I’ve been sick for almost two weeks now, and in the past two weeks we’ve only had a few times of being intimate. Boo!!!!! Unacceptable! I’m going to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some antibiotics or something to get myself on the mend.

I have multiple disabilities: chronic migraines (meaning that I have them more than 15 days out of every month). narcolepsy (fall asleep easily and randomly) with cataplexy (which is like all of a sudden feeling that my body just stops working- muscle control just kinda goes caput), hypersomnia (I need to sleep like 10+ hours every night)- and I can fall asleep in less than five minutes. I have a ton of back issues- my occipital lobes fucking hate me and are the bane of my existence; I have a herniated disk at my L5/S1. I used to have tonsilitis, pharyngitis, and laryngitis every single month when I’d get my period until I had my tonsils taken out in my twenties. And I had God awful cramps and periods until my hysterectomy in 2011- where I, learned I had oarian cysts, fibroid tumors, and adnomyosis. Lots of fun (NOT!). I also suffer from depression and chronic fatigue syndrome. As I baby I had spinal meningitis (I was 14 months old) and a ruptured appendix at age 8. Andddd, I’ve had shingles twice (age 11 and 20 something). So yeah, I have LOTSSSSSS of health issues.

Why do I share all of this with you? Because my disabilities
1) are invisible: meaning you can’t see them outwardly. so I get a crap ton of stereotyping and discrimination because of them.
And 2) it has MAJORRRRR side effects on my relationships and love life. When you are in constant pain, and/or are always tired, it’s really difficult to get in the mood for sexy time. This is CERTAINLY not for a lack of trying on Alan’s part. He is the first person I’ve been with that really pushes through my wishy washiness and general malaise to try to remind me that I really do want sex, even if if it takes me a bit to get in the mood. Please don’t misinterpret. alan would NEVER force me or coerce me into something I don’t want to do. He just realizes that I am kinda like an old car. It takes me a while to get turned on and cranked up…but with a little effort I will purr like a kitten and will go for a longgggg time! Sooooo, if I seem meh to begin with, he knows how to push all the right buttons to get me all sorts of squirmy in my pants. It’s the rule of three- he tries three times, and if I don’t eventually start wiggling myself up against him, it means I’m really too tired, depressed, hurty, whatever- and he just kisses me and will snuggle me. Absolutely no pressure. Go Alan!!! You rule baby! Thank you for actually getting me and understanding me baby, for loving me with all of my health bullshit. I love you!

So it’s hard enough to deal with this with just one partner. Especially when we have a reallyyyy healthy and vigorous sex life (woot!). But what happens when you have multiple partners? How does it affect each person when you’re with one partner on a night that you don’t feel good enough for sex, but the next night when you’re with your other partner you feel better so have sex. How, does that make the other partner feel? It can cause huge issues in the relationship. And if it happens often enough, maybe because the stress of life wears you down and whittles away until two people are left as strangers- Disconnected from one another through lake of communication, intimacy, basic connection like hand holding; all the little things that bit by bit tear apart a loving relationsihp and creates a barren wasteland.

How do we keep this from happening? How do we make sure that we not only ensure the everyday little things to stay connected to our loved ones when we have some sort of disability, as well as let them know that we do crave the more intimate time together even if we are too sick or unable to have sex for whatever various reasons? How do we balance our illness/es with intimacy with not just one partner, but multiple partners? It’s a very delicate dance, and unfortunately I don’t have the answer.

Do any of y’all have issues with this? If so, how do you personally deal with it?

This is sometihng I want to talk about as a panel at next year’s Atlanta Polyamory Weekend (APW 2014).

so yeah, this is again, something near and dear to my heart. And I am sure this is a part of many couples lives- both poly and non-poly dynamics.

just remember, even if you feel like absolute crap, for whatever the reason may be, be sure to reassure your partner(s) that you love them dearly and that you want to be with them, even if your body is being stupid and uncooperative. And be as cuddly and lovey as you can manage. It will really really really help your partner to feel that you are still connected to them.

Hugs and kisses my lovies!
Miss PolyLeigh

An unlikely suspect

I have this penchant for finding pepole of similar ilk. I went to LA for a business trip last week, and while in the line for TSA checkpoint I struck up a conversation with an awesome person named Dani Danger! It (the pronoun that it likes to go by) is genetically female, and presents as female for the most part, though it says it gets mistaken for a trans all the time- which is funny b/c it has hugeeee breasts! Anyways, we grabbed a drink and talked while we waited for our planes. I’m hoping to keep in touch b/c it seemed like a spiffy person.

Then when I was on the plane from LAX to Charlotte I was stuck between a 50+ guy (very “normal” looking… thinning hair, white, glasses, conservative clothing) and his 20 something yr old son on the other side of me. I read pretty much the entire time, and he was glued to his iPad. At some point I happened to glance over and read “Thank You Goddess…”, and I was like, ohhhh spiffy!

Soooo, me being me, I tap him lightly on the shoulder and give him a thumbs up sign. He looks at me quizically.

“I didn’t mean to be nosey, but I happened to see what you wrote, and I just wanted to say spiffy. I’m a switch.”

He smiles and says he thought I might be a Domme because of my boots (which made me giggle).

We end up talking the rest of the way, and I ask if he’s married (yes); does his wife know (she’s not into it); etc. Basically it’s a situation I’ve heard/seen a million times. He’s been married for forever, loves his family, but is unable to be himself b/c of his job and family. It always makes me so sad. There is no “normal.” Yet our society is constantly putting on airs to appear normative.

We live in this heteronormative binary world. Everything is black and white. Or at least our culture tries to make it seem that it is one extreme or another. But there are always shades of gray, and pink, and purple, and red, and an entire spectrum of the rainbow.

So when we are another shade of the spectrum, we are “Othered,” ostracized. So people hide their true natures because they fear being cast out, they fear what others will think of them. So this man that I meet, he is scared to be himself, scared of what would happen if it’s known that he likes to submit. He likes to give up control to a woman, his Goddess. And it is a very special bond.

He doesn’t know what will happen. He’s becoming increasingly more unhappy in his present situation. As it all too often happens when we try to hide away such an integral part of ourselves, we become distant and sad and we start to disconnect. And that’s where he is. And it just breaks my heart.  I wish him well. I hope that he finds happiness and that he finds a way to to have both the “normalacy” he wants, along with his secret desires deep within his heart. Good luck to you sir.

Good luck to all of us that feel that we must hide the parts of us that we hold so true to our hearts.